Welcome the Black Parade

Thursday, June 21, 2007 12:12 AM

And my past 2 days have been rather free for a change. Being incommunicado and all you know. For the first time this year, i was feeling carefree in terms of anything to do with school. I had time to seek solace in my room and do some soul searching and i was wondering about many things that came into question as i ponder.

I was interrogating myself about my behaviour, my morales and values. Is that what i live for? Is my behaviour an ideal according to my expectations of the past and my parents? All this partying, rejoicing, chasing the next Gucci catalogue, hooking up and serenading the girl next door, loitering Chinatown, acting like some socialite soliciting respect and pride and spending money like a spendthrift with no tomorrows. Is it wrong of me to have been militated and influenced to a state like this or is it normal to feel like that? Am i too much of a wannabe portraying a paper face on parade? Or is it because i feel incompetence within me that i have to keep up materialistically and behave like a stereotype of this society? Or maybe i have been acting like this long enough to consider this my real personal character. But is this what i want? or is this what society expects of me? What should be the priority? My expectations or society's?

Why do i try to lasso superficiality with a rope of inconfidence? Why do i choose this kind of influence instead of getting influenced by students who are law abiding and achieve the top results, attaining scholarships for academics?

This dilemma is seriously confusing and mind boggling. However, i would definitely prefer self reflection and resolutions when put in comparison with stressful studying. I guess this why i shun myself away from the good side of peer pressure and influence. I have regretfully created a mental brick wall in between me and those "A" students. I hope i have not buried myself too deep into this lifestyle so that i can make adjustments. I think what my dad talked to me about was right. He said i have no self-confidence, no identity and little originality. He hollered at me saying that i keep following the crowd and do whatever others do without a mind of my own. He asked me where was my conscience and sense. He also said i have this ego which i have to feed and uphold. I reluctantly admit to him that its true. I dont know why i am writing this, embarassing myself to readers who will laugh at my insecurities while others will laugh at my pathetic attempt to gain sympathy which is of course not the issue.

In order to change and correct, i need a start. And i have chosen one. I want to lower my ego from this day on. As ego is ignorance and arrogance synthesized together, contributing to this mishap which made me bigoted to my past. I hope this is the right remedy though.

I pray lord, that you will open my eyes and help me not succumb to these wrongful acts of conceit and badways. Enlighten me as i am lost. Guide me as if i was blind. And teach me again as if i was autistic. I have wronged myself and many others. I had a corrupted mentality of my way of life and judged everything by appearance. And i want to thank you lord for helping me see my errors. I pray to you in Jesus name and ask for your forgiveness as i feel repentant and remorseful.

Amen.

Nostalgic. Seriously nostalgic. Okay Justin, No, dont reminisce. Dont, Justin dont. No, tintin, dont go there. It will just hurt you more than ever, causing more heartbreak than you deserve.Find another girlfriend. She is put as the PAST for a reason. A PAST meaning its OVER. OVER. get it boy? yes. drill that in. Break that memory into fragments of shards and dust. Discard it to Never-Never land and start afresh.